Dissecting my obsession with Jessica Clements

Life is boring if you don’t risk something, even if it’s just your time. In late 2016 i folded over 700 origami cranes in Edinburgh and had not much to do in the winter. At some point i watched a video on YouTube with Jessica Clements and her birds, and i just wanted to go down that rabbit hole. I was investing some of my time in her, trying to find out what she is up to, hoping that one day our paths will cross, and share some time together.

My obsessions were always not that bad in hindsight. They gave me a goal to work towards, when i had no destiny in sight. And along the way i picked up more parts of myself. I’m afraid to lose my parents, because i would be alone. I still live with them, because i don’t have anything you would call a job. This makes me want to build something with others, to create a home where i can stay, just like now.

I’m not going to quit life, because of moments like with Jessica Clements, as glowing in the dark. There is still hope that the world can do better. Maybe she was just a distraction, but i wanted to believe something like this could lead somewhere. I wanted to go crazy on her and see where it goes from there. The future doesn’t look that good, and i end up lonely. This is why i gave it a chance, so it’s less likely to happen.

And at the end there is still an animal inside, controlled and fed by me. At some point in life i have put him behind thick walls, so he never got to do anything, because i was a little bit faster. And braver, with a wider view on the world. It’s a lot of work to keep everything tidy, but he is one of the few things that makes me feel alive, and is worth it. He liked Jessica Clements, because she had something that reminded him of me.

Her birds made me go to Dublin

I already mentioned where i started the trail of thousand origami cranes, and if you read between the lines, you may know why too. It has to make sense at the end. Since i’m based in Bonn, there are a handful of countries in my reach, just by taking the train. Deciding where to fold my origami cranes is limited by this. I’m not going to fly far away without your support finding a sponsor. I would like to do it everywhere.

Some places have more motivation behind. Jessica Clements wrote at some point, probably at Saint Patrick’s Day, part of her background is Irish. After a while of thinking i booked an apartment and tickets for Dublin. I had some travel credits from referring people to Airbnb. This happened last month, before i stopped myself going too far with Jessica Clements two weeks ago. Dublin was already on my radar last year, but there was not enough reason to make me go there, until she came up with birds on her shoulders.

I was geography student at university and like to travel with meaning behind it. I wanted to have a feeling for the origin of Jessica Clements, her place on planet earth, and from where she got there, to see parts of the bigger picture, and to demystify Jessica Clements a little bit. Since this is better than nothing, i’m good with it, and i can move on. When i understand someone, i can let the person go more easily. This is just how my brain works. It predicts the future with the input i gathered, and since it’s real life, the outcome gives me most of the time room to say good bye.

Maybe the world is bad, but the people in Dublin i met last week were nice to me. Before my trip i have read horror stories about thieves and violence, but i had a pleasant stay in the capital of Ireland. Although seven days don’t say much. And since i’m not going out at night, i missed the other part of each day too. Some people took a break to say hi, without even knowing me, just because i was there folding origami cranes. They have made my day. It was windy and it rained a lot, but i still got 706 of them done on my Dublin journey.

Finding and keeping friends is hard for me

I moved twice when i was young. Back then there was no internet available to remain connected to each other. The only option was to be pen pals via snail mail. But i’m not good at communicating about things that don’t matter, because i still had so much to do. And there are limitations on what you can make out of trash. It’s just entertaining for a while. It didn’t make sense to me, and felt like a waste of time.

I had pen pals, but at some point we stopped. I wasn’t equipped with the skills to keep a conversation going. And i didn’t get many chances to learn it either. But i have tried to figure it out. Most people fear to disclose what they feel, and that is why a large amount about who we are is missing. They are scared not to be good enough, what makes them boring, without the failures, desires and craziness.

I have lost friends because i was too hard on them, and myself. The foundations just weren’t substantial enough. No mutual interests or compatibility. But i am grateful for the time i had with them. I was always different, because i lived between worlds. My parents are from Hong Kong, but i was born in Germany. Since the beginning my thinking was occupied with organizing the different pieces and trying to make sense out of it, like having several jigsaw puzzles mixed together on a roller coaster ride. You can’t expect me to get it right at the same time, but i am striving for it.

Why i quit Jessica Clements

After months of having a crush on Jessica Clements, i stopped editing her photos on Instagram and unsubscribed from her channels on YouTube. It was still a fun routine to add a twist to her photos. Almost like having a relationship with her for a couple of minutes a day, just without the interaction.

But i’m a rational person, i know when time is wasted, and there is no chance that we are getting together. She is a twenty-three years old upcoming supermodel in New York, living a dream, and i’m a thirty years old poor artist in Germany, scratching the universe.

Another reason for me to quit Jessica Clements was that she is not a real person. She creates makeup, beauty and fashion content for YouTube. At some point you realize that she is good at making you fall in love with her, like an actress in a hollywood movie. She is a professional, unlike what others think about her. The awkward deer thing she does just makes people want to watch her videos.

While writing this text i researched different levels of relationships: Acquaintanceship, Companionship, Friendship, Committed Friendship, Primary Friendship, and Life Partner. Jessica Clements is not even someone i would bump into in the course of daily life.

Patrick Swayze and Stacy Widelitz wrote a nice song: “She leads me through moonlight, only to burn me with the sun. She’s taken my heart, but she doesn’t know what she’s done. (..) Just a fool to believe, I have anything she needs. She’s like the wind. I look in the mirror, and all I see, Is a young old man, with only a dream.”

She tried to hook me up

Back then in 1992 when i was young, my parents took over a restaurant in Ratingen. In the catering trade they had only experiences as waiter, but they did it anyway. My mother did the waitressing and my father did the cooking. This was really hard for them, especially physically, and not worth it.

After six years in 1998 we closed “Lotus Garten” and moved back to the place i was born. But in hindsight it was not that bad, because of the nice people who occasionally took care of me, like my neighbour and the widow. My parents were busy with the restaurant, and they must have known that i needed more than myself.

My neighbour was graphic artist and is the one who inspired me to make art. She often invited me to eat ice cream too. The widow took me to some of her cultural events, where i got to know that there is always more to see and learn. Without them i would be someone else. I wish i had done more with the opportunities, something that would have lasted into the present. I just didn’t know better.

My neighbour tried once to hook me up with a pretty girl, but i have done nothing, didn’t feel the need for it, because i was too busy with myself. We still kept sending us letters, till she was suddenly gone. Since then i never had this kind of relationship anymore. It was loyal, unique and special for me.

Thank you to Susan Flatow, also known as Pan Hsiao Ming, her son Helge Kaminsky-Flatow, for making me learn, and Hedda Beilke, for my love to make art. May both ladies rest in peace.

Being out there among the stars

I just saw a TED video where Chris Anderson is talking with Elon Musk. I’m going to pick the part i liked. Anderson asked him why he wants to build a city on mars. Musk answered that it is important to have a future that is inspiring and appealing. There have to be reasons that you get up in the morning and you want to live. Why do you want to live? What is the point? What inspires you? What do you love about the future?

And if the future does not include being out there among the stars, he finds that incredibly depressing. Anderson said it can feel like a distraction from the problems on earth. Musk thinks that the trend is down to nothing. Technology does not automatically improve. It actually degrade. It only improves if a lot of people work very hard to make it better. He is just trying to think about the future and not be sad.

Why i never had a girlfriend

I’m over 11.000 days old and never had a girlfriend. I’m an only child and my parents are working all the time. Somehow i’m ok with myself since i can remember. I always had crushes on girls at school, but i was just not ready for anything in life. Instead of relationships i had time to focus on things that have lead me to who i am. But this also means that i had barely any friends. It makes me sad to be honest.

My crushes were always part of a motivation chain to make me do things, as stimulation from another direction. Basically to do a brute-force attack on a problem, by thinking differently, from other point of views, to find a solution, by creating proprietary tools, or combining things that weren’t meant to be together. Most of the time i ended up with something that had an own life, a replacement for a girlfriend. You could say i found a new hobby.

I wasn’t someone a girl would have want to date anyway. Because i was overweight in my school days and was not really in the position to invite anyone anywhere. Our apartment is full of stuff that we accumulated through moving from a much bigger place. And money doesn’t grow on trees.

And when i tried to communicate my feelings, i was never mature enough to handle it without to be sad for a long time. It made me everytime a little bit colder. Luckily at some point i found porn on the internet, and my needs were covered. There you have it, i’m a virgin.

As an only child with working class parents i had to be creative and i had to learn a lot on my own. Not because i wanted to. Just because i was alone. In the end i got more done than others. My parents don’t have any socializing skills either. It’s too late for a lot of things. It took me some time to understand it. I changed a lot since studying at university in 2006.

And this may be one of the reasons why i’m so obsessed with Jessica Clements. To kickstart something new again. Elton John and Bernie Taupin wrote a nice song: “I hope you don’t mind that i put down in words, how wonderful life is while you’re in the world.”

She made me start blogging again

Back then when i was doing more stuff on the internet i had a blog in German. But at some point i took everything away that didn’t make me happy. There was too much content accumulated from many years. Some things i wrote because i just wanted to write something. There was bad and good mixed together. I already wrote two books in my life and made it available through self publishing. Don’t search for it, you can’t buy them anymore. Later i divided the content into blog posts for everyone free to read. You can imagine the mess.

This blog started fresh in late april 2017 because of my crush on Jessica Clements. Some posts are backdated to make it less empty. I have a couple of internet domains unused since i stopped throwing projects against the web to see what sticks. Before the blog there was nothing at this address. I got motivated to do it again, because i wanted to know some of her thoughts, but Jessica Clements doesn’t share them. There are good reasons for not doing it, but you don’t have to put everything out there too. Just enough to show you are real. Without this blog i would be a blank canvas, especially for people who don’t watch a lot of videos, since i removed almost everything else. I do care about it, because you are reading this.

Jessica Clements is not doing it probably because she thinks that there is no money in blogging. YouTube makes it easy for her to fill the wallet in comparison. As a model, she is more skilled in presenting herself visually rather than literally. Jessica Clements talks about “fashion blogger style” and wears the matching clothes in her videos, but then it stops without a corresponding blog to make it complete. For me it’s just another way to have fun. And with a larger footprint i can cut through the noise again.

My first homepage in 1999 did have a news section. But the revolution came with the RSS standard. It made blogs convenient to consume by getting new posts of all your favorite bloggers through a single RSS Feed Reader. This saved time and helped democratizing journalism. At some point i even had a blog hosting service, build with code completely written by myself.

Binge watching in early 2017

Back then when TV series “LOST” started to be aired the first time in Germany, i liked it, but i lost interest along the way, because first, it took them a couple of years to produce all 6 seasons, and second, the commercial breaks are not helping. The original version in english is much better anyway. Now that on demand is possible via video streaming, it is the second time i gave LOST a full run. The first time i binge watched i skipped boring parts, but this time i saw it basically from start to end, because i just wanted it to be done, and it was worth it.

Another TV series i binge watched was “Stargate Atlantis”. I loved “Stargate SG-1”, because as a child born in 1986 i watched actor Richard Dean Anderson in “MacGyver” a lot, and he did a good job again, as main character Jack O’Neill. But Atlantis is without the cast of SG-1, so it took me some time to like it. “Stargate Universe” is another series of the franchise, which i liked much more, but sadly made it only to 2 seasons, till it got cancelled.

Recycled unbleached paper

Over a week ago i bought A4 sized 80 g/qm paper in a pack of 500. The special thing is that they are not white, because they are not bleached. This will make my origami cranes less bright and give them more depth, when captured in difficult light situations. The paper is not grey either. There is an yellow tone in white. A bright cream color to be exact. I like it a lot. And these are the specs of the recycled paper by manufacturer Xerox in german: “Bleichverfahren: ungebleicht, Weißegrad: 70% ± 2.5 D65/10, Opazität: 95 %, Dicke: 102 µm +/-6, Fasertyp: Recycled”