I’m over 11.000 days old and never had a girlfriend. I’m an only child and my parents are working all the time. Somehow i’m ok with myself since i can remember. I always had crushes on girls at school, but i was just not ready for anything in life. Instead of relationships i had time to focus on things that have lead me to who i am. But this also means that i had barely any friends. It makes me sad to be honest.
My crushes were always part of a motivation chain to make me do things, as stimulation from another direction. Basically to tackle a problem, by thinking differently, from other point of views, to find a solution, by creating proprietary tools, or combining things that weren’t meant to be together. Most of the time i ended up with something that had an own life, a replacement for a girlfriend. You could say i found a new hobby.
I wasn’t someone a girl would have want to date anyway. Because i was overweight in my school days and was not really in the position to invite anyone anywhere. Our rented apartment is full of stuff that we accumulated through moving from a much bigger place. And money doesn’t grow on trees. There is only so much time for everything.
And when i tried to communicate my feelings, i was never mature enough to handle it without to be sad for a long time. It made me everytime a little bit colder. I was in a fragile state, and i didn’t want to be broken by little things. Luckily, at some point, i found porn on the internet, and my needs were covered. There you have it, i’m a virgin.
As an only child with working class parents i had to be creative and i had to learn a lot on my own. Not because i wanted to. Just because i was alone. In the end i got more done than others. My parents don’t have any socializing skills either. It’s too late for a lot of things. It took me some time to understand it. I changed a lot since studying at university in 2006.
And this may be one of the reasons why i’m so obsessed with Jessica Clements. To kickstart something new again. Elton John and Bernie Taupin wrote a nice song: “I hope you don’t mind that i put down in words, how wonderful life is while you’re in the world.”