2017-05-18

Finding and keeping friends is hard for me

I moved twice when i was young. And since we are not owning the apartment here in Bad Godesberg, we will at some point move again. Back then, there was no internet available to remain connected to each other. The only option was to be pen pals via snail mail. But i’m not good at communicating about things that don’t matter, because i still had so much to do. And there are limitations on what you can make out of trash. It's just entertaining for a while. It didn’t make sense to me, and felt like a waste of time. On one occasion, my parents had lent money to friends of ours, but we never saw them again, which has broken my trust in people a bit too.
I had pen pals, but eventually, we stopped, without to burn any bridges, they just faded away. I wasn’t equipped with the skills to keep a conversation going. And i didn’t get many chances to learn it either. But i have tried to figure it out, because humans are social beings, and we can change things, as puppets and puppeteers. Most people fear to disclose what they feel, and that is why a large amount about who we are is missing. They are scared not to be good enough, what makes them boring, without the failures, desires and craziness.
I have lost friends, because i was too hard on them, and myself. The foundations just weren’t substantial enough. No mutual interests or compatibility. But i never gave up on anybody, and i am grateful for the time i had with them. I was always different, because i lived between worlds. My parents are from Hong Kong, but i was born in Germany. Since the beginning, my thinking was occupied with organizing the different pieces and trying to make sense out of it, like having several jigsaw puzzles mixed together on a roller coaster ride. You can't expect me to get it right at the same time, but i am striving for it.