Finding and keeping friends is hard for me

I moved twice when i was young. Back then there was no internet available to remain connected to each other. The only option was to be pen pals via snail mail. But i’m not good at communicating about things that don’t matter, because i still had so much to do. And there are limitations on what you can make out of trash. It’s just entertaining for a while. It didn’t make sense to me, and felt like a waste of time.

I had pen pals, but at some point we stopped. I wasn’t equipped with the skills to keep a conversation going. And i didn’t get many chances to learn it either. But i have tried to figure it out. Most people fear to disclose what they feel, and that is why a large amount about who we are is missing. They are scared not to be good enough, what makes them boring, without the failures, desires and craziness.

I have lost friends because i was too hard on them, and myself. The foundations just weren’t substantial enough. No mutual interests or compatibility. But i am grateful for the time i had with them. I was always different, because i lived between worlds. My parents are from Hong Kong, but i was born in Germany. Since the beginning my thinking was occupied with organizing the different pieces and trying to make sense out of it, like having several jigsaw puzzles mixed together on a roller coaster ride. You can’t expect me to get it right at the same time, but i am striving for it.