Dissecting my obsession with Jessica Clements

Life is boring if you don’t risk something, even if it's just your time. In late 2016, i folded over 700 origami cranes in Edinburgh, and i had not much to do in the winter. Eventually, i watched a video on YouTube with Jessica Clements and her birds, and i just wanted to go down that rabbit hole. I was investing some of my time in her, trying to find out what she is up to, hoping that one day our paths will cross, and share some time together.
My obsessions were always not that bad in hindsight. They gave me a goal to work towards, when i had no destiny in sight. And along the way, i picked up more parts of myself. With growing and learning came a little bit of happiness, by using the potential to fill the emptiness. It made me unique, but made me feel out of place too.
I’m afraid to lose my parents, because i would be alone. I still live with them, because i don’t have anything you would call a job. But only certainty gives confidence to act courageous. This makes me want to build something with others, to create a home where i can stay, just like now: Somewhere safe, but more permanent, where i can figure it all out. To make this happen and find peace, i probably need to disconnect the idea from a physical place.
I’m not going to quit life, because of moments like with Jessica Clements, as glowing in the dark. There is still hope that the world can do better. Maybe she was just a distraction, but i wanted to believe something like this could lead somewhere. I wanted to go crazy on her and see where it goes from there. The future doesn’t look that good, and i end up lonely. This is why i gave it a chance, so it’s less likely to happen.
And at the end, there is still an animal inside, controlled and fed by me. His priorities weren't the same as mine and he was unconcerned with everything i wanted. He had the idea of having a home, and i was jealous about it. At some point in life, i have put him behind thick walls, so he never got to do anything, because i was a little bit faster and braver, with a wider view on the world and more ideas. It’s a lot of work to keep everything tidy, but he is one of the few things that makes me feel alive, and is worth it. He liked Jessica Clements, because she had something that reminded him of me.
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