In 2006, i started to study geography, but after two and a half semesters i stopped visiting the university, because of my burn out. Officially, however, i was a geography student at the University of Bonn for eight years, because of the discounted tickets for public transport and other perks. FYI, as a city child, i never felt the need for a driver’s license.
I realized i was not confident with the decision and i could not tell people about it. I didn’t want them to worry about me, have questions, or judge me, being wrong or crazy. I was so fragile, and they could have broken me. I was embarrassed and i didn’t want anyone to see me as i was judging others. I had to put things into perspective, to let everything go i supposed to do. I asked myself, what that even mean, why do i care, and it was so freeing that nothing really matters anymore.
Between 2007 and 2009, i wrote two books about real life, philosophy, and art. I had several attempts to start a diary before, and they were the result of it. I published them via lulu, a online self publishing book and ebook service. There are not many copys of my books out there, because they only got printed on demand. At least two friends from my time at school bought them, and i’m grateful for this. I learned a lot while writing about others and myself. It was like holding a mirror up to the sky and seeing everything from above, but still standing on planet earth.
I wanted to understand others in relation to myself better than anyone else can. I didn’t want to waste my time for something i wasn’t ready to be. I didn’t want to hate myself later for not falling in love with myself. I love the idea of being in love, but i was the only one who is available. Not just because i was overweight, but it was part of it. I learned that i can’t picture life without me, and that i’m complete, even when i’m alone. But i have dreams, and don’t know how. I’m a hopeless romantic, but i know it cost something to get somewhere.