Why i quit Jessica Clements

After months of having a crush on Jessica Clements, i stopped editing her photos on Instagram and unsubscribed from her channels on YouTube. It was still a fun routine to add a twist to her photos. Almost like having a relationship with her for a couple of minutes a day, just without the interaction.

But i’m a rational person, i know when time is wasted, and there is no chance that we are getting together. She is a twenty-three years old upcoming super-model in New York, living a dream, and i’m a thirty years old poor artist in Germany, scratching the universe.

Another reason for me to quit Jessica Clements was that she is not a real person. She creates makeup, beauty and fashion content for YouTube. At some point you realize that she is good at making you fall in love with her, like an actress in a hollywood movie. She is a professional, unlike what others think about her. The awkward deer thing she does just makes people want to watch her videos.

While writing this text, i researched different levels of relationships: Acquaintanceship, Companionship, Friendship, Committed Friendship, Primary Friendship, and Life Partner. Jessica Clements is not even someone i would bump into in the course of daily life.

Patrick Swayze and Stacy Widelitz wrote a nice song: “She leads me through moonlight, only to burn me with the sun. She’s taken my heart, but she doesn’t know what she’s done. (..) Just a fool to believe, I have anything she needs. She’s like the wind. I look in the mirror, and all I see, Is a young old man, with only a dream.”

She tried to hook me up

Back then, in 1992, when i was young, my parents took over a restaurant in Ratingen. In the catering trade they had only experiences as cook and waiter, but they did it anyway. My mother did the waitressing and my father did the cooking. This was really hard for them, especially physically, and not worth it.

After six years, in 1998, we closed “Lotus Garden” and moved back to the place i was born: Bad Godesberg, a district of Bonn, in West Germany. But in hindsight it was not that bad, because of the nice people who occasionally took care of me, like my neighbour and the widow. My parents were busy with the restaurant, and they must have known that i needed more than myself.

My neighbour was graphic artist at a advertising agency in Düsseldorf, and she is the one who inspired me to make art. For example, with illustrated books as gifts, or by showing me her own work. She often invited me to eat ice cream too. The old widow took me to some of her cultural events, where i got to know that there is always more to see and learn. And i will not forget, how she helped us with many other things, like translating for my parents. Without them i would be someone else. I wish i had done more with the opportunities, something that would have lasted into the present. I just didn’t know better.

My neighbour tried once to hook me up with a pretty girl, but i have done nothing, didn’t feel the need for it, because i was too busy with myself. We still kept sending us letters, till she was suddenly gone. Since then, i never had this kind of relationship anymore. It was loyal, unique and special for me, even after all this time we moved away from each other. Every letter and postcard with her artwork was like a gentle pull to the direction i went.

Thank you to Susan Flatow, also known as Pan Hsiao Ming, her son Helge Kaminsky-Flatow, for making me learn, and Hedda Beilke, for my love to make art. May both ladies rest in peace.

Being out there among the stars

I just saw a TED video where Chris Anderson is talking with Elon Musk. I’m going to pick the part i liked: Anderson asked him why he wants to build a city on mars. Musk answered that it is important to have a future that is inspiring and appealing. There have to be reasons that you get up in the morning and you want to live. Why do you want to live? What is the point? What inspires you? What do you love about the future?

And if the future does not include being out there among the stars, he finds that incredibly depressing. Anderson said it can feel like a distraction from the problems on earth. Musk thinks that the trend is down to nothing. Technology does not automatically improve. It actually degrade. It only improves if a lot of people work very hard to make it better. He is just trying to think about the future and not be sad.

Why i never had a girlfriend

I’m over 11.000 days old and never had a girlfriend. I’m an only child and my parents are working all the time. Somehow i’m ok with myself since i can remember. I always had crushes on girls at school, but i was just not ready for anything in life. Instead of relationships i had time to focus on things that have lead me to who i am. But this also means that i had barely any friends. It makes me sad to be honest.

My crushes were always part of a motivation chain to make me do things, as stimulation from another direction. Basically to tackle a problem, by thinking differently, from other point of views, to find a solution, by creating proprietary tools, or combining things that weren’t meant to be together. Most of the time i ended up with something that had an own life, a replacement for a girlfriend. You could say i found a new hobby.

I wasn’t someone a girl would have want to date anyway. Because i was overweight in my school days and was not really in the position to invite anyone anywhere. Our rented apartment is full of stuff that we accumulated through moving from a much bigger place. And money doesn’t grow on trees. There is only so much time for everything.

And when i tried to communicate my feelings, i was never mature enough to handle it without to be sad for a long time. It made me everytime a little bit colder. I was in a fragile state, and i didn’t want to be broken by little things. Luckily, at some point, i found porn on the internet, and my needs were covered. There you have it, i’m a virgin.

As an only child with working class parents i had to be creative and i had to learn a lot on my own. Not because i wanted to. Just because i was alone. In the end, i got more done than others. My parents don’t have any socializing skills either, and a day has only 24 hours. It’s too late for a lot of things. It took me some time to understand it. I changed a lot since studying at university in 2006.

And this may be one of the reasons why i’m so obsessed with Jessica Clements. To kickstart something new again. Elton John and Bernie Taupin wrote a nice song: “I hope you don’t mind that i put down in words, how wonderful life is while you’re in the world.”

She made me start blogging again

Back then, when i was doing more stuff on the internet, i had a blog in German. But eventually, i took everything away that didn’t make me happy. There was too much content accumulated from many years. Some things i wrote because i just wanted to write something. There was bad and good mixed together. I already wrote two books in my life and made it available through self publishing: “Skizzen auf Toilettenpapier” in 2008, and one year later “Das Prinzip der Hoffnung” in 2009. Don’t search for it, you can’t buy them anymore. At some point, i divided the content into blog posts for everyone free to read. You can imagine the mess.

This blog started fresh in late April 2017 because of my crush on Jessica Clements. Some posts are backdated to make it less empty. I have a couple of internet domains unused since i stopped throwing projects against the web to see what sticks. I got motivated to do it again, because i wanted to know some of her thoughts, but Jessica Clements doesn’t share them. There are good reasons for not doing it, but you don’t have to put everything out there too. Just enough to show you are real. Without this blog i would be a blank canvas, especially for people who don’t watch a lot of videos, since i removed almost everything else. I do care about it, because you are reading this.

Jessica Clements is not doing it, probably because she thinks that there is no money in blogging. YouTube makes it easy for her to fill the wallet in comparison. As a model, she is more skilled in presenting herself visually rather than literally. Jessica Clements talks about “fashion blogger style” and wears the matching clothes in her videos, but then it stops without a corresponding blog to make it complete. For me it’s just another way to have fun. And with a larger footprint i can cut through the noise again.

My first homepage in 1998 did have a news section. But the revolution came with the RSS standard. It made blogs convenient to consume by getting new posts of all your favorite bloggers through a single RSS Feed Reader. This saved time and helped democratizing journalism. From mid 2004 to early 2010, i even had a blog hosting service, called “Blogy”, build with Perl code completely written by myself.

Binge watching in early 2017

Back then, in 2005, when TV series “LOST” started to be aired the first time in Germany, i liked it, but i lost interest along the way, because first, it took them a couple of years to produce all six seasons, and second, the commercial breaks are not helping. The original version in english is much better anyway. Now that on demand is possible via video streaming, it is the second time i gave LOST a full run. The first time i binge-watched i skipped boring parts, but this time i saw it basically from start to end, because i just wanted it to be done, and it was worth it.

Another TV series i binge-watched was “Stargate Atlantis”. I loved “Stargate SG-1”, because as a child born in October 1986 i watched actor Richard Dean Anderson in “MacGyver” on German TV a lot, and he did a good job again, as main character Jack O’Neill. But Atlantis is without the cast of SG-1, so it took me some time to like it. “Stargate Universe” is another series of the franchise, which i liked much more, because it’s everything i wanted it to be, but sadly made it only to two seasons, till it got cancelled in late 2010.

Recycled unbleached paper

Over a week ago, i bought A4 sized 80 g/qm paper in a pack of 500. The special thing is that they are not white, because they are not bleached. This will make my origami cranes less bright and give them more depth, when captured in difficult light situations. The paper is not grey either. There is an yellow tone in white. A bright cream color to be exact. I like it a lot. And these are the specs of the recycled paper by manufacturer Xerox in the German language: “Bleichverfahren: ungebleicht, Weißegrad: 70% ± 2.5 D65/10, Opazität: 95 %, Dicke: 102 µm +/-6, Fasertyp: Recycled”

FYI, the information density is quite high in some of my blog posts. And if your English is not good, Google Translate isn’t going to help, especially not with technical terms. I stopped publishing in German a while ago, because it’s just a barrier on the internet. I may not come across like that, but i want to make friends: I wrote on a piece of paper dating back to April 1997, which i found during a cleanup in the living room, that i like “to take beautiful photos, have fun and friends to play with.”

Crush on Jessica Clements

In late 2016, i surfed on YouTube through channels, and found this lady named Jessica Clements. I liked to watch her talking. She seems to be attractive and nice, almost funny. I do not care about the makeup chat. But the thing that got me hooked was her birds, it made me watch all videos, because of her voice. Hashtag Rabbit Hole.

In early 2017, i started an instagram account dedicated to edit her photos, to add a twist to them, as an outlet. Because she is out of my league. I still wanted to do more with her, and this was the way i went. I’m 3 decades old, shot over 100.000 photos, over 10.000 videos in my life, and probably just tired of my own photos and videos at the moment.

I even took more care of myself, by doing things like sit ups and crunches, to get me in a better shape. Thank you to Jessica Clements, for the motivation, although she has only contributed passively through her existence alone. Hashtag Girlfriend Goals.

Remotely related, in 2009, my weight was 110 kg, and after less than one year i got it down to around 65 kg, with a body height of 175 cm. I have never gone back up in weight, because i changed how i eat and i’m happy about it ever since.

Before 2009, my relationship with eating was not healthy. I had mood swings and tried to compensate them with junk food or fast food, which made it even worse. But at some point, i realized i need to change everything, or i will die because of this. Since then, i learned a lot to put my life back on track, and keep it that way.

Binge watching in mid 2016

As a child born in 1986 i watched TV series “The A-Team” quite frequently, but never got to watch all five seasons. In early 2016, i picked up a BitTorrent client for a month and downloaded my favorites from the past. I already had some of them in my archive, like Simpsons or Futurama. But i still wanted to have “Stargate SG-1”, “Married… with Children”, “Hogan’s Heroes” and The A-Team.

The final episode aired 30 years ago, it is really old, but i have a sentimental connection with the series, it gave me the urge for justice. I watched the last episodes of The A-Team in a hotel room, while i was in Helsinki to fold origami cranes and i’m satisfied with it.

I grew up with “The Simpsons” and probably watched all episodes, back then, when i had a dedicated TV. Now it’s not the case anymore, since i wait till the season is over, and have the opportunity to get it all in one step on my hard drive. I never got to watch the newest episodes anyway, because they needed to be translated for the German audience, which takes a while. But now i enjoy the original version.

Another TV series i binge-watched was “Married… with Children”, which is quite similar with The Simpsons. Both are showing parents with some kids, where life was not always nice to them, but they can make it through in some way, because it was their passion, which is one of the reasons i like them so much.

My parents are on YouTube

I made a YouTube channel named “Cantonese Craft” where my mother is showing some of her cooking and sewing skills. She does the voice-over in her first language Hong Kong-Chinese, also known as Cantonese. I’m doing the whole video recording and editing thing, because my parents are not deep into tech. My father is always tired after work, but i might get him sometimes on the channel. I’m just trying to develop another revenue stream for them, so that they do not have to perform physically demanding work anymore: My mother does cleaning in a large hotel on the Rhine, at the kindergarten and some smaller places, while my father is employed in shift work with “polymer processing” in Bonn. This is why my parents never had the opportunity to learn German properly, even after all these decades. You can imagine how it influenced my life. It was like living in two distant countries at the same time. I had to learn different cultures, languages and many other things without any help since the beginning.

I was constantly lost and wondering why. But after writing two books, my German got good enough to allow me to draw pictures no one else other than me would understand. And since most people think reading equals understanding, this would lead to nowhere: Just a waste of time. I learned programming by myself, long before my English was enough for anything useful. This is why i’m using the language here more like in a piece of Perl code, straight, but still playfully: Maybe like Lego bricks. My Cantonese is really bad in comparison. And i better not mention Spanish from my school days. At some point in between, i wanted to learn French, and later Italian, but there is nothing left, except for the yellow textbooks by Langenscheidt.

My parents have met the first time in West Germany, 1976. Both came here separately from the British colony Hong Kong to work hard. Back then, the German currency “Deutsche Mark” was quite strong, compared with the Hong Kong dollar. At the age of 19 and 22, they have found each other through mutual connections, and ten years later, i was born in 1986, in a city that is now no longer the capital of Germany. My first years weren’t that bad. Father made enough money as waiter in a chinese restaurant, with a lot of people working for governments as customers, while mother was there for me in my early stage. Even grandma came for a couple of months from Hong Kong to Bad Godesberg. But then they decided to run their own restaurant in Ratingen and things changed.