2017-05-18

Finding and keeping friends is hard for me

I moved twice when i was young. And since we are not owning the apartment here in Bad Godesberg, we will at some point move again. Back then, there was no internet available to remain connected to each other. The only option was to be pen pals via snail mail. But i’m not good at communicating about things that don’t matter, because i still had so much to do. And there are limitations on what you can make out of trash. It's just entertaining for a while. It didn’t make sense to me, and felt like a waste of time. On one occasion, my parents had lent money to friends of ours, but we never saw them again, which has broken my trust in people a bit too.
I had pen pals, but eventually, we stopped, without to burn any bridges, they just faded away. I wasn’t equipped with the skills to keep a conversation going. And i didn’t get many chances to learn it either. But i have tried to figure it out, because humans are social beings, and we can change things, as puppets and puppeteers. Most people fear to disclose what they feel, and that is why a large amount about who we are is missing. They are scared not to be good enough, what makes them boring, without the failures, desires and craziness.
I have lost friends, because i was too hard on them, and myself. The foundations just weren’t substantial enough. No mutual interests or compatibility. But i never gave up on anybody, and i am grateful for the time i had with them. I was always different, because i lived between worlds. My parents are from Hong Kong, but i was born in Germany. Since the beginning, my thinking was occupied with organizing the different pieces and trying to make sense out of it, like having several jigsaw puzzles mixed together on a roller coaster ride. You can't expect me to get it right at the same time, but i am striving for it.
2017-05-09

Why i quit Jessica Clements

After months of having a crush on Jessica Clements, i stopped editing her photos on Instagram and unsubscribed from her channels on YouTube. It was still a fun routine to add a twist to her photos. Almost like having a relationship with her for a couple of minutes a day, just without the interaction.
But i'm a rational person, i know when time is wasted, and there is no chance that we are getting together. She is a twenty-three years old upcoming super-model in New York, living a dream, and i'm a thirty years old poor artist in Germany, scratching the universe.
Another reason for me to quit Jessica Clements was that she is not a real person. She creates makeup, beauty and fashion content for YouTube. At some point you realize that she is good at making you fall in love with her, like an actress in a hollywood movie. She is a professional, unlike what others think about her. The awkward deer thing she does just makes people want to watch her videos.
While writing this text, i researched different levels of relationships: Acquaintanceship, Companionship, Friendship, Committed Friendship, Primary Friendship, and Life Partner. Jessica Clements is not even someone i would bump into in the course of daily life.
Patrick Swayze and Stacy Widelitz wrote a nice song: "She leads me through moonlight, only to burn me with the sun. She's taken my heart, but she doesn't know what she's done. (..) Just a fool to believe, I have anything she needs. She's like the wind. I look in the mirror, and all I see, Is a young old man, with only a dream."
2017-05-06

She tried to hook me up

Back then, in 1992, when i was young, my parents took over a restaurant in Ratingen. In the catering trade they had only experiences as cook and waiter, but they did it anyway. My mother did the waitressing and my father did the cooking. This was really hard for them, especially physically, and not worth it.
After six years, in 1998, we closed "Lotus Garden" and moved back to the place i was born: Bad Godesberg, a district of Bonn, in West Germany. But in hindsight it was not that bad, because of the nice people who occasionally took care of me, like my neighbour and the widow. My parents were busy with the restaurant, and they must have known that i needed more than myself. Even grandma came a second time for a visit from Hong Kong for another six months.
My neighbour was graphic artist at a advertising agency in Düsseldorf, and she is the one who inspired me to make art. For example, with illustrated books as gifts, or by showing me her own work. She often invited me to eat ice cream too. The old widow took me to some of her cultural events, where i got to know that there is always more to see and learn. And i will not forget, how she helped us with many other things, like translating for my parents. Without them i would be someone else. I wish i had done more with the opportunities, something that would have lasted into the present. I just didn’t know better.
My neighbour tried once to hook me up with a pretty girl, but i have done nothing, didn't feel the need for it, because i was too busy with myself. We still kept sending us letters, till she was suddenly gone. Since then, i never had this kind of relationship anymore. It was loyal, unique and special for me, even after all this time we moved away from each other. Every letter and postcard with her artwork was like a gentle pull to the direction i went.
Thank you to Susan Flatow, also known as Pan Hsiao Ming, her son Helge Kaminsky-Flatow, for making me learn, and Hedda Beilke, for my love to make art. May both ladies rest in peace.
2017-05-03

Being out there among the stars

I just saw a TED video where Chris Anderson is talking with Elon Musk. I'm going to pick the part i liked: Anderson asked him why he wants to build a city on mars. Musk answered that it is important to have a future that is inspiring and appealing. There have to be reasons that you get up in the morning and you want to live. Why do you want to live? What is the point? What inspires you? What do you love about the future?
And if the future does not include being out there among the stars, he finds that incredibly depressing. Anderson said it can feel like a distraction from the problems on Earth. Musk thinks that the trend is down to nothing. Technology does not automatically improve. It actually degrade. It only improves if a lot of people work very hard to make it better. He is just trying to think about the future and not be sad.
2017-05-02

Why i never had a girlfriend

I'm over 11.000 days old and never had a girlfriend. I'm an only child and my parents are working all the time. Somehow i'm ok with myself ever since i can remember. I always had crushes on girls at school, but i was just not ready for anything in life. Instead of relationships i had time to focus on things that have lead me to who i am. But this also means that i had barely any friends. It makes me sad to be honest.
My crushes were always part of a motivation chain to make me do things, as stimulation from another direction. Basically to tackle a problem, by thinking differently, from other point of views, to find a solution, by creating proprietary tools, or combining things that weren't meant to be together. Most of the time i ended up with something that had an own life, a replacement for a girlfriend. You could say i found a new hobby.
I wasn't someone a girl would have want to date anyway. Because i was overweight in my school days and was not really in the position to invite anyone anywhere. Our rented apartment is full of stuff that we accumulated through moving from a much bigger place. And money doesn't grow on trees. There is only so much time for everything.
And when i tried to communicate my feelings, i was never mature enough to handle it without to be sad for a long time. It made me everytime a little bit colder. I was in a fragile state, and i didn't want to be broken by little things. Luckily, at some point, i found porn on the internet, and my needs were covered. There you have it, i'm a virgin.
As an only child with working class parents i had to be creative and i had to learn a lot on my own. Not because i wanted to. Just because i was alone. In the end, i got more done than others. My parents don't have many socializing skills either, and a day has only 24 hours. It's too late for a lot of things. It took me some time to understand it. I changed a lot since studying at university in 2006.
And this may be one of the reasons why i'm so obsessed with Jessica Clements. To kickstart something new again. Elton John and Bernie Taupin wrote a nice song: "I hope you don't mind that i put down in words, how wonderful life is while you're in the world."
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14