After months of having a crush
on Jessica Clements, i stopped editing her photos on Instagram and unsubscribed from her channels on YouTube. It was still a fun routine to add a twist to her photos. Almost like having a relationship with her for a couple of minutes a day, just without the interaction
But i'm a rational person
, i know when time is wasted, and there is no chance that we are getting together. She is a twenty-three years old upcoming super-model in New York, living a dream, and i'm a thirty years old poor artist in Germany, scratching the universe.
Another reason for me to quit Jessica Clements was that she is not a real person
. She creates makeup, beauty and fashion content for YouTube. At some point you realize that she is good at making you fall in love with her, like an actress in a hollywood movie. She is a professional, unlike what others think about her. The awkward deer thing she does just makes people want to watch her videos.
While writing this text, i researched different levels of relationships: Acquaintanceship, Companionship, Friendship, Committed Friendship, Primary Friendship, and Life Partner. Jessica Clements is not even someone i would bump into in the course of daily life
Patrick Swayze and Stacy Widelitz wrote a nice song: "She leads me through moonlight, only to burn me with the sun. She's taken my heart, but she doesn't know what she's done. (..) Just a fool to believe, I have anything she needs. She's like the wind. I look in the mirror, and all I see, Is a young old man, with only a dream
Back then, in 1992, when i was young, my parents took over a restaurant in Ratingen. In the catering trade they had only experiences as cook and waiter, but they did it anyway. My mother did the waitressing and my father did the cooking. This was really hard for them, especially physically
, and not worth it.
After six years, in 1998, we closed "Lotus Garden" and moved back to the place i was born: Bad Godesberg, a district of Bonn, in West Germany. But in hindsight it was not that bad, because of the nice people who occasionally took care of me, like my neighbour and the widow. My parents were busy with the restaurant, and they must have known that i needed more than myself
. Even grandma came a second time for a visit from Hong Kong for another six months.
My neighbour was graphic artist at a advertising agency in Düsseldorf, and she is the one who inspired me to make art. For example, with illustrated books as gifts, or by showing me her own work. She often invited me to eat ice cream too. The old widow took me to some of her cultural events, where i got to know that there is always more to see and learn
. And i will not forget, how she helped us with many other things, like translating for my parents. Without them i would be someone else. I wish i had done more with the opportunities, something that would have lasted into the present. I just didn’t know better.
My neighbour tried once to hook me up with a pretty girl, but i have done nothing, didn't feel the need for it, because i was too busy with myself. We still kept sending us letters, till she was suddenly gone
. Since then, i never had this kind of relationship anymore. It was loyal, unique and special for me, even after all this time we moved away from each other. Every letter and postcard with her artwork was like a gentle pull to the direction i went.
Thank you to Susan Flatow, also known as Pan Hsiao Ming, her son Helge Kaminsky-Flatow, for making me learn, and Hedda Beilke, for my love to make art. May both ladies rest in peace.
I just saw a TED video where Chris Anderson is talking with Elon Musk. I'm going to pick the part i liked: Anderson asked him why he wants to build a city on mars. Musk answered that it is important to have a future that is inspiring and appealing
. There have to be reasons that you get up in the morning and you want to live. Why do you want to live? What is the point? What inspires you? What do you love about the future?
And if the future does not include being out there among the stars
, he finds that incredibly depressing. Anderson said it can feel like a distraction from the problems on Earth. Musk thinks that the trend is down to nothing. Technology does not automatically improve. It actually degrade. It only improves if a lot of people work very hard to make it better. He is just trying to think about the future and not be sad.
I'm over 11.000 days old and never had a girlfriend. I'm an only child and my parents are working all the time
. Somehow i'm ok with myself ever since i can remember. I always had crushes on girls at school, but i was just not ready for anything in life. Instead of relationships i had time to focus on things that have lead me to who i am. But this also means that i had barely any friends
. It makes me sad to be honest.
My crushes were always part of a motivation chain to make me do things
, as stimulation from another direction. Basically to tackle a problem, by thinking differently, from other point of views, to find a solution, by creating proprietary tools, or combining things that weren't meant to be together. Most of the time i ended up with something that had an own life, a replacement for a girlfriend. You could say i found a new hobby
I wasn't someone a girl would have want to date anyway. Because i was overweight in my school days and was not really in the position to invite anyone anywhere. Our rented apartment is full of stuff that we accumulated through moving from a much bigger place
. And money doesn't grow on trees. There is only so much time for everything.
And when i tried to communicate my feelings, i was never mature enough to handle it without to be sad for a long time. It made me everytime a little bit colder
. I was in a fragile state, and i didn't want to be broken by little things. Luckily, at some point, i found porn on the internet, and my needs were covered. There you have it, i'm a virgin.
As an only child with working class parents i had to be creative
and i had to learn a lot on my own. Not because i wanted to. Just because i was alone. In the end, i got more done than others. My parents don't have many socializing skills either, and a day has only 24 hours. It's too late for a lot of things. It took me some time to understand it. I changed a lot since studying at university in 2006.
And this may be one of the reasons why i'm so obsessed
with Jessica Clements. To kickstart something new again. Elton John and Bernie Taupin wrote a nice song: "I hope you don't mind that i put down in words, how wonderful life is while you're in the world."
Back then, when i was doing more stuff
on the internet, i had a blog in German. But eventually, i took everything away that didn’t make me happy. There was too much content accumulated from many years. Some things i wrote because i just wanted to write something
. There was bad and good mixed together. I already wrote two books in my life and made it available through self publishing
: "Skizzen auf Toilettenpapier" in 2008, and one year later "Das Prinzip der Hoffnung" in 2009. Don’t search for it, you can’t buy them anymore. At some point, i divided the content into blog posts for everyone free to read. You can imagine the mess.
This blog started fresh in late April 2017 because of my crush on Jessica Clements
. Some posts are backdated to make it less empty. I have a couple of internet domains unused since i stopped throwing projects against the web to see what sticks. I got motivated to do it again, because i wanted to know some of her thoughts, but Jessica Clements doesn’t share them. There are good reasons for not doing it, but you don’t have to put everything out there too. Just enough to show you are real
. Without this blog i would be a blank canvas, especially for people who don’t watch a lot of videos, since i removed almost everything else. I do care about it, because you are reading this.
Jessica Clements is not doing it, probably because she thinks that there is no money in blogging. YouTube makes it easy
for her to fill the wallet in comparison. As a model, she is more skilled in presenting herself visually rather than literally. Jessica Clements talks about "fashion blogger style" and wears the matching clothes in her videos, but then it stops without a corresponding blog to make it complete. For me it’s just another way to have fun. And with a larger footprint i can cut through the noise again.
My first homepage in 1998 did have a news section. But the revolution came with the RSS standard. It made blogs convenient to consume by getting new posts of all your favorite bloggers
through a single RSS Feed Reader. This saved time and helped democratizing journalism. From mid 2004 to early 2010, i even had a blog hosting service, called "Blogy", built with Perl code completely written by myself
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